In space nobody can hear you scream

1. overwhelmed
school + work + self care
really it’s not that hard I’m just not good at pinpoint coordination I guess
when do baby steps stop cutting it? when am I expected to stop crawling and start walking? Probably about now
I’m a big boy, right?

i’m only freaking out because my brain is conditioned to freak out over school
but then again I haven’t showered or eaten in two days so I mean

I got into a fight with my mom, I feel like I don’t deserve the food she made.
I don’t mean to fight with her but I also don’t want to hear her tell me all the reasons why I can’t do things I set my mind to… that’s the mindset I’m trying to escape!
 And how hurtful it was to hear her talking shit upstairs. I wish I had a door to close so I could block it out.
I want to move. But I can’t because it’s too expensive. I’d have to work more, harder, push myself more than I can really handle right now. I hate how much of life I have to sacrifice just to live. But if I’m not enjoying it I’m not living. I just want to enjoy these little victories but when all of these things are pressing it seems futile.

I want to clear my work schedule completely so I can just focus on school and pick up shifts when I feel like I’m squared away in other, more important areas of my life. I don’t give a fuck about Logan’s. I really don’t. Restaurant work is terrible for me. It conditions me to be reactive and submissive.

The colors of my mind are monochrome. What a stark contrast from the whimsy I’ve felt over the past few weeks.

Let’s get one thing absolutely clear. The Second Amendment has nothing to do with self-defense or hunting, and everything to do with the event that our government ends up a tyrannical, all-powerful entity with no counterbalance. The 2nd amendment reads: “A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.”

Notice how it does not mention anything about felons or the mentally ill… or anybody else for that matter. Therefore our current gun control laws are unconstitutional. A simple fact is that if the federal government centralizes our weaponry, then we truly are powerless. The 2nd Amendment of the US Constitution not only defends our freedom, but the freedom of every other citizen in every other free country (due to diplomatic ties, even in gun-free countries like France: NATO, UN, etc.). If our federal government did not have this very real existential threat of its governed people being able to bring upon it harm, then there would be no reason for the federal government to hold back its arbitrary legislative and executive powers. There would be no due process, because nothing would hold them accountable. THE THREAT OF DEATH IS A VERY EFFECTIVE MEASURE FOR ACCOUNTABILITY.

If you think I’m crazy for saying this, or you think I’m full of crap, I implore you to explain to me what truly upholds the rule of law. What stops you from driving in the opposite lane on the highway? It sure as hell isn’t the “Do Not Enter” sign or the double-solid yellow line. I also implore you to think about how quickly our civilized society can go to chaos. All it takes is one catastrophic disaster, and MULTIPLE HAVE ALREADY HAPPENED IN OUR LIFETIME TO PROVE THIS.

On the other hand, I’m not saying that we should just hand over guns to your conventional serial killer. I’m no fool. But that same serial killer doesn’t need a gun to do their bidding, any other weapon (or non-weapon) will suffice. So as a nation, we do have to find this balance, and I personally believe that this balance is found in the “well-regulated” clause of the 2nd amendment. However, no legislation can support that clause any further, nor can the executive branch enforce it without it becoming conscription. In this regard, it is up to We the People to regulate the militia which is comprised entirely of those people. To that end, it means we must discipline ourselves and hold our entire society, including the government, to the rule of Law and the general Welfare. It means that We the People must have the courage to stop predators from bringing harm to the innocent, whether those threats are foreign or domestic.

These “common sense” gun control laws will not stop the ugliness that is murder, theft, rape, etc. I’m very willing to bet, however, that the murderer and the rapist would think twice if they knew their victim was armed, and a potential witness is also armed. The reality is that death is an unfortunate consequence of life. Will more guns make us safer? Not necessarily. Will it make us less safe? Not necessarily. But will no guns make us safer? Not at all, if anything it will make us less safe, for more than a single linear reason like us against ourselves. There’s far more to it, and the people who realize the threat and reality of death in its multiple forms are the people who truly understand the value of life, and the value of protecting that life.

(Source: wanderlustw0lf, via voiceofnature)

(Source: misanthropicmessiah, via astranemus)

creamurjeans:

Earth Dragon ~ Ciruelo Cabral

(via hackr)

marie-advanz:

winning move

(via hackr)

konpyutaru:

Borrowing from a friend

(via hackr)

there’s a big part of me locked away in the texts of this blog

I guess I stopped because I didn’t want certain people reading. That, and I guess I’ve been more content with life over the past few years than I was when I first started this blog. I’m usually only compelled to write when I’m stressed, sad, upset, whatever.

In a way, I like the idea of public journaling because it lets me create subtext for my state of mind in the form of metaphor. Since people that I think about might be reading.

I’m afraid of appearing weak.

(via whisky-actual-deactivated201704)

Passion followed by fear, followed by inaction is my cycle of complacency
Just keep stuffing those words back down your throat. It doesn’t matter if anyone hears you because nothing will change.
(Who can you trust when you can’t even trust yourself? What can you love when the inner voice is nothing but critical?)
Outrage followed by regret, followed by doubt. And a constant desire to be uplifted. The desire for upward trends.
Well, we can’t put Styrofoam corners on everything, now can we? Natural selection eventually will take place.
Do or die. I want to do but I choose to die and so do you. When will it end?

philslendy:

datdestinyd:

My mother is a die-hard conservative Republican. When I told her I had registered to vote, she rolled her eyes at me. When I asked why, she told me that “the worst thing for America is young, stupid liberals voting.” Liberals in the U.S. outnumber conservatives. The only reason Republicans win is because more of them vote. If you want us to win this upcoming election, get to the polls and vote, especially if you’re voting for Bernie Sanders in the primaries. Hillary has a lot more money and name recognition than Bernie does, so the primaries will be very important. Even if Bernie doesn’t win the primaries, Hillary being president will be a lot better than Donald Trump or Jeb Bush running this country further into the ground. Abstaining from voting in the general election because you don’t like Hillary will give the Republicans a victory on a silver platter and that is the worst thing that could happen right now.

Reblogged this twice. I don’t even live in the US.

(Source: dezibeth, via pepperlilly)

(Source: basedinternet)

(via occultartistscollective)

First things first, I guess.

I am compelled to write. I feel an immense need to write. Writing allows me to organize my mind, which is moving ever… so… slowly… and I am dull, lifeless, melancholy, null and numb. I am stoned off of my ass somewhere that I should not be. And actually, I shouldn’t be in most places. Why do I feel the need?

Why does it matter? I should just make a decision and stick with it.
I feel terrible right now. But it is not the fogginess of my mind, it is the heaviness of my heart. Those words just aren’t coming to me right now but I think this is merely a conflict of logic and emotion

it just feels sad
the right side is drooping, empty, wanting to be filled
the left side is in pain, anxious, hurting, wanting release

a tiny dose of the old medicine brought just a little bit of life back
oh. it feels right.
everything feels right
and I want it all, everything suspended in perfect harmonious balance
an orbital system of perpetual motion
it’s beautiful, but wouldn’t life get boring? or is that the true definition of utopia?

If that was the case, is that truly what you want? (What do you want?)

….. and maybe that’s a problem. That I can never answer: what do I want?
I know what I want. Money. Power. Easy.
But what would I do with it?
Love.
At the forefront of my heart and mind is love that I wish to spread freely to the world.

It doesn’t crack the pain on the left side. It just filled the right.
So what else is wrong?
I feel restricted. There is a block. A block clogging the upper-left ventricle of my heart. It’s a tiny tight muscle that wants to be massaged in just the right way, and it will release a flood of emotion from my head, through the right side of my neck where that tension lies, wrapping back around through my spine and warping my entire body into a contorted, relaxed mess…
and the tears will flow, and I will never be able to describe them. But at least I had my release.

It’s nice, writing is.
I feel well enough to focus even if I don’t feel like I really solved anything.
But now that I think of focus, I’m returned from my heart to my mind…
=====
It’s amazing what fear and adrenaline can do to shift your mental persona.
For now… time to move on.